You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
