the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
