She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
