dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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