I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
