her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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