It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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