Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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