Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
