Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I looked at my own cervix.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
