so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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