And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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