Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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