she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
