In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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