If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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