if only i could text you this smell
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
