if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
