I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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