i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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