i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
