I need to stop coming to work sober
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
