my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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