I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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