my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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