My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
