I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
