At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
