I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
