My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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