I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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