Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
