I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
