I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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