girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
