Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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