once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I am naked and annoyed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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