I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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