Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
