I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
