this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
