i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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