thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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