You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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