At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
