whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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