I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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