You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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