if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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