What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
