i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
