im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
