You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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