I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
