there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
