i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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