How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Randomize
