i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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