I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
