All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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